The Midnight News 7.30.01
Posted By Hyatte on 07.30.01
Finally..., WCW, RVD, Vixxxens reviewed, Ryder, Honky, and Message Boards
You know.... I woke up Friday morning and thought to myself, Damn, I didn't do any news last night!
Turns out I was half right.
I swear, I have no recollection of writing that. But I have to say.... it was goooood.
And a small record was broken.... this weekend, I've gotten more mail with the word "bitches" in the title then ever before. Lots of people agreed with what I wrote. Looks like I hit a nerve. I'd post some letters, but... well, I'm reasonably sure it would bore you.
Incidentally, the girl called and left a message on Saturday. I plan on waiting until Tuesday to return the call. Maybe she'll learn then. It can't be ALL about her.
Oh, and I am considering writing an And Another Thing on Howard Stern. No wrestling, just Stern.... but again, I'm not sure how it would be received.
So let's make it a poll. Tell me if you WOULD like to read a column on Howard Stern by e-mailing me here.
If you WON'T like to see it, e-mail me here.
Don't give me any explanations or suggestions, a simple "yes" or "no" as a title will suffice.
HE AIN'T BRINGING BRENDAN FRASIER
Unless the WWF is looking to make TNN look bad, the Rock will be back for tonight's Raw
TNN, looking to break the all time rating high of the post-WM show, is plugging the ever-loving poop out tonight's show. Nary a commercial break went by this weekend without some Monday promotion.
I expect Rocky to show up, glare at McMahon a lot, and make no real decision as to whose side he'll be on.
Naw, scratch that, he'll be on the ROCK'S side.
Enjoy it while it lasts, Rock fans... the man is GONE as soon as he is contractually able. He's got WHITE ACTRESSES to bang.... Winona Ryder is somewhere in Malibu WAITING for his ass.
The Observer reported TNN's anticipation for a ratings bonanza.
THE FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN OF BISCHOFF'S PRIDE
Some time ago, I reported that the WWFE paid just under 7 million for WCW. An outrageously cheap price for a company that bragged about earning 200 million dollars in the late 90's.
Yeah well.... that was wishful thinking.
WCW's name, library, and "intangible assets": $2.5 million
Related fees : $1.8 million
Grand Total: $4.3 million
Look on Eric Bischoff's face at the mention of the name "Vince McMahon": Priceless
Scherer reported this from
here.
I love this. I think by now everyone knows that I never liked Bischoff.... EVER. He was such a.... f-ing... preening.... douchenozzle!!!
I'M RIGHT AGAIN!!!!!
Speaking of Eric.... Missy Hyatt confirmed on a radio show that yes, Eric Bischoff and Dallas page DID INDEED engage in the time honored practice of "wife swapping". Man, I just LOVE it when I'm right.
I may not know much, but I know PEOPLE!!! Me and Mike Hale.
Of course, Missy COULD be full of crap.... BUT I DOUBT IT!!!!!!
THE WWF FUTURE OF ROB VAN DAM...
... might be a program with Tajiri, according to RF Video
Maybe that headline was a BIT melodramatic?
THE REVIEW OF NON-FREE CHOOCH
I usually don't do this, but then I said what the hell.
Over at Slash is a review of the
Wrestling Vixxxens site from a guy who has actually worked on some porn sites. It's a fun read.
I hope the great CRZ doesn't mind if I post the entire article? If he does, I'm sure he will discuss it with me personally....
Here, to soften the blow, I'll link the site again and IMPLORE you to post on his EZ board. He really, really wants you to.
WRESTLINGVIXXXENS OFFICIALLY SUCKS: by Mark Rushford
I offer the following as a cautionary tale of ignorance mixed with an irrational propensity to jump in to a pool with both feet before one has taken swim instruction. We all know these types of people. They get good ideas and before even thinking them out fully, or planning the crucial details they lunge forward anyway and end up irrevocably dashing the chances at success they'd once dreamed would be so fruitful.
So it is a tail of two popular former wrestling valets who banded together to strip themselves nude on the Web for money. It should have been the talk of the wrestling Web circles. It should have been a homerun. Tammy Sytch, Missy Hyatt. Naked. Like so many fanboys have dreamed. Who among you looked at the WWF pictures of "Sunny" and wondered "what if...?"
Who among you secretly pined for more while looking at those PWI centerfolds of Missy Hyatt in the 80s? WrestlingViXXXens.com should have had people aflutter and buzzing over its sensual heat and sultry flair. It should have rivaled a potent geyser in the steaminess. Unfortunately, this geyser has proven bone dry. No heat, no flair and, to look at the site is to wonder if anyone involved even knows the words "sultry" or "sensual" exist!
Yes, I'm a member of the site. I was curious. Sadly, since my first look I've been pretty deflated by the whole thing. I was stunned as I entered the members area with my newly bought membership screen name and password at the lazy, slung together look of the content. My hopes quickly evaporated.
Having worked for a short time on some adult Internet sites before I'd even graduated college, I was astounded at how many of the cardinal, easy, set-in-stone criterion to a successful adult site were ignored completely by the ViXXXens site. Make no mistake about it. If you're selling skin on the internet you're in the sex trade, and the number one rule of thumb in the sex trade is titillation. People don't buy into these things just to see nipples and fuzz. The real magic is in the *way* you show it.
Now, I'm not talking about explicit pictures, or the fact that Tammy has shown only her left breast in 90 per cent of her pictures. No. That's not the biggest problem on this site. By far. I'm talking about an utter ignorance of the business. I'm talking about there being an easy to follow formula that works so well it's made the adult entertainment industry the #1 e-business on the web, and these people not showing even an ounce of ability to follow it.
Basically the site charges professional, industry standard membership rates for what amounts to worse-than-amateur content.
This site sports multiple pictures of the same pose, like they snap six pictures in quick succession and throw them all up on the site; women, sans make-up, looking dazed and closed-eyed; women caught blinking or staring blankly or stupidly (frankly) at someone off camera. Poses that, even on the worst pay site, would have been buried on the cutting room floor. All this is topped off by lighting that would make polaroids taken in a cave look like Pulitzer Prize-winning photography.
It's a collection of content so bad you really have to see it to believe someone actually put it out for public consumption. All of this makes for a great rip-off sensation.
Then the kicker came last night, when Missy Hyatt and Tammy Sunny Sytch held a chat in the members section of the adult site.
I had e-mailed Missy a few times about my concerns, and to offer my services in an advisory role to give the site a boost. I'd never gotten a reply.
For two weeks I'd chatted with other members about the site. ALL of them complained vehemently that the site "sucked" and that they were planning to cancel. The site had potential, I insisted, because of the outside the adult world draw of Missy and Tammy. I offered a few things the site could do better, and said I hoped they'd move in these directions.
I pondered how Missy and Co. could stumble and bumble their way into the site like they had -- after all, you don't HAVE to go live with a site until you've got things run-in. I offered Adult Site 101 strategy, that I picked up from Hi-Rise Entertainment through the Fall, Winter and Spring of 1998/99. Hi-Rise of the New Bourbon Street girls, and the Start girls. Hi-Rise, the dominant force in adult Internet-based entertainment, basically.
In offering these to my fellow chatters, all brothers in this increasingly crooked-looking venture, I was heralded in ways I can only imagine would have been similar to the way the man who invented the wheel was looked at by his contemporaries.
Now, keep in mind, I'd offered up only some of the very basic strategies in adult web content. Only the most logical, first-step solutions to making a site like this work. On top of that, I threw in some basic glamour photography principles, like "choreograph the poses BEFORE you shoot the content so the pictures don't look like they were improvised on a whim."
Hoping naively to make a difference in the direction of the site, hoping to have a beneficial impact on something so clearly run amok I sent requests for Missy to contact me. I e-mailed Lee, her nephew, and I e-mailed her; Lee once, and Missy twice to request a chit-chat with her. I e-mailed her once more after talking with Tammy and getting the impression that when I said "content" it was automatically assumed I was talking, like 90 per cent of the other 6,000 members, about Tammy not showing her... more private areas, shall we say. So my final e-mail to Missy on the subject was sent to dash those thoughts. I meant overall layout; NOT who was showing what.
When I didn't hear back for three weeks I thought, what the hell, I'll give it a whirl here. At the member's chat.
The questions were flying fast and furious from all over the chatroom. "Missy, what's your favorite [sexual] position?", "Missy who did you screw in WCW?" "Ever have sex with Abdullah the Butcher?" "What cup size are you?"
Clearly some valid issues were being raised.
I began cautiously, confirming that Missy did, indeed, own the ViXXXens site. "It's my site. I own ViXXXens" came her reply.
In between fervent questions of whether we'd see Gorgeous George or Major Gunns on the site, I asked another. "Who is running the site? Who do you have helping you make content, take pictures, etc.?"
The answer? Her nephew, Lee designed the site, and performed Webmaster duties. "I have my own photographers," answered the other part.
Did she ever sleep with Dave Meltzer? Did she like getting him flustered when she was on Observer Live talking about her sexual prowess? Indeed, did she REALLY like "it" from behind as much as she claimed? -- clearly I was out of my league. With hard hitting, info-hungry queries such as these, what hope did I have that my fluff questions would be answered?
(oh yeah, Missy "loooooves Dave Meltzer").
Don't we all?
I asked another. Did her photographers ever work on adult sites before? (I could clearly tell they hadn't, but it's always good to confirm assumptions before proceeding as if they were truths). No reply to this one. Missy was busy thanking people for their countless "Nice tits" or
"I'm in love with you" praise.
I decided on a more general approach. I asked if she'd ever consider discussing the site with me, or bringing in an advisor who'd worked on sites before. Again, no reply. I thought for a moment that my post had just gotten caught up in the heated "Why is Major Gunns a skank" discussion, so I asked again.
This time there was a response.
"Planch [my member name] quit bothering me about the site."
"What? "...quit bothering me about the site."
Missy owns the site. Missy is in a chat for members who are paying top dollar for a shoddy site, but questions concerning how things could have been launched so inanely, so botched and ignorant of the business they were now sullying their Wrestling Valet images on, are
bothersome?
The only thing more outrageous than Missy's statement last night is watching Bob Ryder plug his new premium-pay site after spending years taking pot-shots at Wade Keller and Dave Meltzer for using their sites to plug their newsletters.
In one short, blunt statement Missy neatly summed up the ignorance that has made her site a laughing stock. In one discourteous, snippy reply she reflected the hap hazard, half-assed attitude that could threaten to bring the house of cards tumbling down. Her attitude toward my questions, surrounded by some of the most perverted, disgusting, irrelevant questions I've ever read, embodies everything that is wrong with that site.
In case any of you were wondering how things were going at WrestlingViXXXens.com, I offer this to you as a check-up, or report card, on its success. And certain failure.
Mark Rushford.
SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN'
Not sure if you caught this:
The WWF is heavily promoting the new video by Lita "It just feels right".
Before appearing in the WWF, Lita first received national attention in the wrestling world thanks to Paul Heyman and ECW.
Paul Heyman and the ECW name are currently the focus of trademark litigation brought by various creditors owed money by Heyman / HHG (the parent corporation)
One of the creditors is Discount Tours & Cruises, a travel agency that assisted the ECW workers with travel arrangements.
Discount Tours & Cruises: a travel agency that is owned by BOB.
Six Degrees of Ryder Fakin
That's right.
BUT, PLUGS
Well, let's see...
Yo, Yo, YoYo
His name is Al
He is your pal
He likes to rhyme
He does it all the time
He likes a nice c*nt
He writes the Lyrical Stunt
Unless he's gay
But that's still okay
Give him a try
And he'll send you a pie.
A Wrestling Tale is this week's 411's Showcase Commentary. It's a beautiful work of fiction by a fellow named Joshua Grut. It plays as a story but also explores the dangers of this fake sport and mixing real life with kayfabe. Joshua uses a lot of curse words in the text, but they served as an important part of the story so I left them all in. It's powerful stuff, but it's ALL FICTION.
However, I accidentally deleted his e-mail address before posting the thing, so I had to use my address instead. Please, send all comments to Joshua Grut, not me.
But let's not forget The Fight Club. Josh Nason banged out a peach of a column over the weekend exploring the Last Action Hero of the WWF. With the Rock bound for a full time Hollywood career and Shawn Michaels in limbo, does Rob Van Dam have the goods to be the next "big thing"? Everyone wonders, but Josh is good at putting it into words.
Finally.... Sunday Night Heat WAS recapped and the manchild named Widro is responsible. You can complain ALL you want to him about my drunk columns.... he LOVES them... he LOVES me and he LAUGHS at you. HAW!!!
TAKE US HOME, HONKY
Hey, he revamped his site, then proceeded to swim in very familiar waters.
On Eric Bischoff:
As reported here a few months ago, Bishoff has testified in federal court that he in fact did pay several hundred dollars to the ladies at the Atlanta strip club. The slimmy, little, bastard couldn't get laid on his own, he had to buy it. I wonder if it was his money or gate reciepts from the shows?
Then some BIG news on Lawler:
A big rumor floating around is Stacy "Kat" Lawler (Carter) could be gone from Kittyland in Memphis leaving the old King behind. Rumors are she and Lawler had a knock down, drag out, very heated argument over his WWF situation and she split.
Rumors are the old King turned on the young Kat and blamed her for his demise in the WWF.
I think I posted something a week or so ago that it would only be a matter of time before he puts the dagger in her back. The Kat supposedly took off to Florida where she is staying in the King's condo. Keep in mind, they were just married in November or something last year. I did see where she is not taking any Indy bookings and Jim Ross had mentioned something about Lawler needing to get his personal life back in order.
Very interesting string of events if this turns out to be true. Again, these are only rumors and nothing can be considered factual at this point.
I'll say this for the guy, he's as tenacious as a mother.
ACROSS THE BOARDS
I think I want to mix things up next week and pull stuff from 6 NEW forums.... forums OTHER than DVD, TOA, the Smarks, 411, and Slash. I am open for suggestions.
"Look everyone, here comes Midajah O' Hearn.....GORE!, GORE!, GORE!, GORE!, GORE!"
"I really don't think I'm going to confuse Crash Holly with a black man that has cornrows in his hair."
"Feinstein is a homosexual. And while there is nothing wrong with that, many of his customers are homophobic mouthbreathers who would never buy from a gay man ("You're a homo!" clap clap, clap clap clap). So, Feinstein makes a deal with Missy. Missy tells the world that she and RF are an 'item', his customers think he's straight and continue to buy from him. In return, Rob gives Missy's new website all the free plugs in the world, and markets these videos, giving her a cut of the profits. Everybody's happy, everybody wins."
"It ain't the fifties no more. It's 20001. Crossing race lines is not "experimenting" no more."
"I don't think fans of today will buy Black Tar streaming from wrestlers head's in mid promo because of an evil witch doctor's hex."
"What's wrong with a good old fashioned hug?"
"Does anyone else think that the fact that uncle Eric's wife licks carpet isn't exactly front page material?"
"I wish someone would put a coat honger on a stove and let that sh*t sit there for like half an hour and stick it in RVD's ass slow like tsssssssssssssssss."
"I'm tired of people not realizing that IOFW's Big Berthat is the next BIG thing!"
"My understanding is that when pressed to answer these very issues Bob Ryder has replied 'Go F**k Yourself'! Of course the person asking the question *did* call him a whore, a money-pig and a few other things."
"I think Vince should make it like the Hardcore title, w/ a 24/7 rule and have David Arquette make a run-in and pin Angle."
"If posting for the first time on a new board (in the wrong forumn) to advertise a sub-par message board makes you a 'gawd', then let me be the first one to drop to my knees and bow."
"Ohmigosh! You called me J.R! Nefarious Man! Look, You're the sheep and I am the herder. You and the rest of the Sheep can reroute back to your Pg Rated WL fourm. If you're site is so 'AWESOME!' why do you need to haul the sheep from here to your place? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to lose the sheep, nevertheless Your site is great right? Then, I am sure the sheep will flock to you. Why the need to Intrude on our parade just because we have the bigger rides, bigger attractions, better food and cheaper prices? Find your own damn sheep."
"I'm a rope totin' Charlie Bronson wannabee."
"Why Do we hit the START button to shut down a computer?"
"When I close my eyes, she's the first thing that pops in my head. When I wake up in the morning, I wish she was there laying next to me. At work I daydream about our wedding, and a little house with a nice white picket fence. I'm in love. I'm in love with Moppy!"
"Moppy is everything you want in a woman. She doesn't talk back and she'll clean the kitchen floor."
"Ok, that's it. Now the WWF has to sign Flair so we can finally see if he really can carry a mop to a three star match."
"And the moral of this story? Never braid your fro...you'll end up losing to Shawn Stasiak on Jakked."
"Shamrock 'may be contemplating' a return? So.. he may, or may not, be considering the possibility of a return? Could you be a little more vague, Jim? And... how do you feel about it, Jim? I'm sure Vince Russo is contemplating a return to the Federation too, but it's in his prayers before he goes to bed at night."
"Sandman? Public Enemy? 'Buff' Bagwell? Oh, this promotion's gonna go far..far off into friggin obscurity."
"AJ Benza would probably kill John. I'm serious (to an extent), Stern knew that by putting those to goofs in the ring last time neither would last a minute. There is no way he's going to put a crazy Italian in there with one of his lackeys"
"Lance Storm's back must have hurt every night from carrying that lame-ass Justin Credible. No one can ever convince me that Credible was/is/will be a decent worker. That guy just plain sucks."
"ECW Fans ate it up for three years without a complaint. WWF fans are less conditioned to solid wrestling. I say within six months, if not screwed with politically,(Rob Van Dam) will be as big as Rocky."
"Bob (Barnett is) a tape trader dude that likes vampiro alot and constantly gets into heated arguements with the worst tape trader and human being ever: Rob 'RF' Feinstein."
"Nothing personnal but if brains were gas, you wouldn't have enough to drive a motorcycle around the outside of a penny."
"Where the f**k is Triple H to bury a guy when you need him?"
"yeah, i bet the mexicans really hate being called "mexicans". ooh, that would just rub me the wrong way....what the hell else is he supposed to call them? 'people from mexico'??"
"Bischoff testified that he paid the girls to perform sex acts on his wife. Niiiice. . . I'm so glad he was presenting the family wrestling alternative to the Vince Russo WWF smut of the late 1990's."
"I will have on a Twizted jersey-and a tan. You may approach me."
"is there anyone in the wrestling biz who isn't a scumbag on some level?"
"Honestly, there's plenty of other reasons to call Bischoff a scumbag other than his entertainment preferences. Just ask Ric Flair or suX-Pac"
"I hope to God Austin makes fun of The Scorpion King...."
"We're talking about the INVASION! It's the biggest angle in history! Not even Tony Schiavone could exaggerate the importance. Who cares if the whole story doesn't make a lick of sense."
"Wrestling commentary isn't exactly akin to resistance speech against Nazism."
"You're better than me. You're the master of logic and reason. You have your finger on the pulse of the Zeitgeist and know all there is to know about contemporary everything. You're right about this, just as you were right about everyone on the Internet being lying, pimply teenagers. Thank you for offering me your incredible insight on everything. I am so undeserving of your thoughtful mentoring."
"Was Ric Flair ever a champion of integrity? Ric Flair was the biggest womanizer, cheater, and dirtiest player in the game."
"OK, my theory, Rock comes back on RAW, declares himself a free agent, brings out Eric Bischoff and reveals himself to be the Hummer Driver and the father of Stacey's baby. Oh and God."
"Will (MECW) work? Will it fail? Will Buff last longer then two weeks? WHO CARES?! It's something NEW to talk about! Thank you, Lord."
"Bahh and dont even get me started on GI JOE!! Destro was the modern Day terroist Kawada back in the day!"
"living in Texas for 8 years, there's definitely something to the Freebirds as a unit. You got the sleazy-looking, scrawny ladies man with the big mouth to pick the fight (Hayes), the little mean looking guy who is most likely to break the first bottle (Roberts) and their huge friend who will put the rest of the bar through tables (Bam Bam). Anyone who's lived in the South has seen at least one redneck unit like this at every dive bar."
"Please, make like Poochie and die on the way back to your home planet."
"My post are like Arn Anderson's career. Solid, but utterly forgetable."
"hey all you wrestling geeks you don't know this EDGE SHOULD BE F'N I.C CHAMP"
"And yes, I *DO* own a New Age Outlaws t-shirt...and WAS a mark for them. But they're dead. Billy and Show are a workable tagteam, give 'em a chance...and let's not reward Brian James for not having his life in order, hmm?"
"why does Jeff Hardy get so much praise and RVD get so much critisism from the smarts."
"'Smarts' are complete, total f**king morons."
"Jerry Lynn is Jakked-4-Life."
"I want a recount. This guy's election was apparently chad infested."
"But Albert ain't half bad either. He reminds me of a very loud pirate."
"Albert is not over, and Albert can't wrestle. Oh wow he had 'fire' in a two minute match last night. Anyway, I like Storm because I like Lance Storm."
"They got rid of the glass because they can't sell Austin as a heel with the glass breaking. The WWF's fanbase have developed a Pavlovian response to it"
"Lita looks like a skank you'd pick up in a trailor court."
"I did love when Val Venis had that feud Dustin Rhodes, whom was carrying seemingly religious signs, and Venis had the sign 'I Shall Come Again!'"
"I am 16 and i wrestle my 19 year old bro. My parents say that if i dont stop no more wwf. I just disregard the statement say i go to bed early lock my bedroom door turn the lights off turn the tv down and watch it. backyard wrestling is promoted everywhere I turn even on cable tv. that stuff is terrible. Things like the xpw and other independant things. Japanese wrestling promotes exploding barbed wire matches. Mcmahon isnt the one to blame, but pro wrestling is."
"I put my mother through a table, what of it?!"
"Did anyone else notice the big drama after taker hit sara with the chair? how often does a chairshot to the back knock someone to the point of death???? also, just a question, does anyone else wish he would have hit her in the face to knock that big nose in a little?"
"Man I love people who sporadically watched wrestling when they were kids then came back around 98. These are the guys who slag Taker and then make themselves look like fools because they think they have the whole sport figured out."
"Remember when you woke up and had your breakfast in your Big Bossman bowl, drank from your Hulk Hogan mug, put on your Ultimate Warrior T Shirt, put on your Bret Hart shades and walked to school carrying your Undetaker bag? Wasn't that great?"
"Hulkamania was an unbelieveable phenomenon. When the Hulkster was whipping up on The Shiek, Andre the Giant, Nikoli Volkav, et al Wrestling was reserved to a late night show on Saturday nights and one huge show per year. Yet somehow, Hulk Hogan managed to reach a mass market appeal that no wrestler today has. I really don't know how to explain Hulkamania to you. If you didn't live during that time I don't think you can understand."
"I am damn sick of you calling everyoine in WWF except Regal a nipple! Are you obsessed with nipples? Give me a damn break. Use you British intellect and think up a new word"
"Yay. Scotts resorting to prostitution to get money for The Smarks!"
"Scott Steiner is a whiny bitch that when things get ugly tends to shoot the hell on everybody. If you wanna spend money than take Goldberg and see the ratings skyrocket. Steiner would be a quick fix for the ratings but a pain in the ass backstage... "
"MIDJAH O HERN IS A WOMAN AND WHY DOESNT ANY BODY LIKE HER SHES FINE AS HELL. STACY KEIBLER DOES NOT CUT IT IN MY BOOK"
"Well if you dont like Hyatte read that lyrical stunt guy. He's the X-Pac of 411. You'll be begging for Hyatte back."
"In the future, I see Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, Sean O Haire and one of the kids from MatRats to be the next target of Blame in the Wrestling World."
"You give me a one-hour match of Regal & Finlay vs. the Malenkos and I'll send you $30 right f'n now!"
"It's going to be interesting when RVD joins Jericho on HHH's burial list because he's getting over "too big." I know it's coming. And when it does come, and RVD isn't getting any more pops because he loses every week, we'll know who's responsible."
"Is it just me or does anybody else find the Midnight News annoying and worthless?? I mean, it was okay when it first came out, but I find Hyatte extremely offensive and unfunny. I am not sure if this is all a "show" or what not, but he can be down right obnoxious and thinks he is the Wrestling News God...but he 'borrows' his news from everyone else. Who does this guy think he is? How are you even allowed to post stuff like that? I am sure there are a lot of youngsters who are reading and don't need to be subjected to this. I am oh so sure that Hyatte will find out about this somehow someway and say something really obnoxious and totally off color about me. I just wish someone would wake up and realize he has no talent.. I'm tired of reading his comments and criticisms of others."
All I can say is.... take away Ryder, Scherer, Meltzer, Keller, and Feinstein and what do you have?
A Net full of people who just "borrow" news from everyone else....
It ain't the subject matter, kids.... it's the presentation.
This is Hyatte